I was sweeping my floor one Thursday morning, as Samara Joy’s sultry voice escaped my speakers, warming up my apartment with nostalgic Christmas songs. As I preoccupied myself with casual domestic duties, I had a revelation that challenged me. And isn’t it like God to minister to you in unexpected times and ways…

“I feel resentment of having the residue of trying to save my mother in every women.”

There is no question that I have the highest admiration and reverence for my mother. She has crafted my idea of what a beautiful and devoted wife, mother, daughter, friend and leader looks like. She is empathetic and ambitious. She is tender and anchored. She is wise and curious. She is expressive and still. She has a duality that has allowed me to be curious in discovering who I am. With the rise and fall and rising again that every relationship has I have came to understand that because of my admiration, intimacy and reverence for my mother it has been seeded in me to subconsciously protect and be a warrior for women and also see the warrior in other women.

Cause I’m not going to hold you. I have way more emotional tolerance and investment in women than I do men. I wasn’t raised with many boys and I wonder if I was would there have been a difference in how I receive and see males, but when I weigh the importance of my relationships with women and my relationships with men there is an undoubtedly gap between the two.

As a child I always saw my mother as a safe space and a stable person. She was reliable and made everything look easy, when I can see now as a 25 year old, that it is absolutely not easy. She just never broke a sweat and even in her discomfort she persevered forward. Always forward. Like a train don’t know about tunnel vision like my mother does.

At a young age, my mother was always reliable. Now, when my mother married my dad he brought a brand new dynamic to the home. My father is expressive and hard-working. He wears his heart on his is sleeve and is the only one who I’ve known that can match my mother’s ambition and her achievements. He is young at heart. He is boisterous and selfless for the needs others. He is intelligent and humorous. He is independent but values family. He was a needed addition to our duo, but as a youth I didn’t understand it and I felt the only time that my mother’s stability trait was challenged was when my dad brought his unpredictability and maybe it wasn’t even spontaneous as I thought but it was differently new.

The one who I saw as fiercely independent showed a layer of her submissive side as well. Initially, if felt like her passiveness was a betrayal because I had, and still do, value identity, individuality, expression and independence. The Lord can tell you that it has been a renewing journey to let go, trust me! But as a youth, I couldn’t have known that a partnership takes submission, dependence, and compromise. Mind you, I was the only child in my mother’s home at this time as well. lol.

But because of what drastic difference of personalities between my mother and dad, which as I have grown up I’ve seen they are similar in more ways than not, I thought my mother had lost her self in the fog of her new marriage and I was dissipating among it as well. Now, this is not a soap opera about my life nor a trauma bonding experience for anyone reading this. I am in a very happy, healthy and growing relationships between both of my parents be to the Glory of God. The events in my life have molded me to grow in compassion and comfort to anyone who has felt heartbroken.

Which is the subject of what this post is really about…

The Transparence of Having a Messiah “Savior” complex.

I am keenly aware of the type of people I am around. I am observant of who they are, what they do because again, I value and invest myself in my relationships and connections and I have took notice of a pattern, specifically in my friendships but also romantically. I had shared with my mother recently that I was feeling frustrated with the question of “Why do I attract and why am I subconsciously attracted to boy-crazy, wounded women and –unhealed men.” I know that everyone has a broken sinful nature, including me, in some capacity, because that is the humanity of us and the penalty of a fallen world and Praise God for taking that penalty of the wrath of God for us.

But it felt it got to the point where I was in often in relationships with other women who revolved their thoughts and actions too much on the men they were involved with romantically. And when we would talk the subject relied heavily on a man instead of their own career goals, dreams, the relationship between the both of us and the discovering of who they were. And I thought it was a punishment that God was sending to me for talking to Him about my desire to get married and have children. Like there is so much more! and I would get tired of hearing the same thing just for these women I cared for to go back and then come back when they needed aid from doing exactly the same thing they did before.

I felt I would walk through this battlefield of emotions with them, to then pour into them and nurture them with hope and encouragement into till they would feel stabilized then at the end of the battle ground they would say, “I’ve learned so much”… and then walk right back into what hurt them and I would feel obligated to “save” them again or at least carry that burden for them.

I felt like God was like “now you know how it feels”, though I very well know that that is not the character of God and I wouldn’t even understand how my own disobedience takes so much more patience and forgiveness.

The truth is Psalms 145:8…

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in loving devotion.

And He is more faithful than I ever will be (2 Timothy 2:13)…

If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.

but my “feelings” said I was being tormented by my Heavenly Father for even thinking of it too much which is a deceiving thought because that is a catalyst for me being independent of his will because instead of bring it to Him I felt I should keep it a secret and be self-sufficient in that area. As if He couldn’t be bothered by my troubles in my relationships. Which Adam & Eve were deceived in believing since the beginning in Genesis 3:4-10…

Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them opened, and they knew the they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?” So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I wad naked; and I hid myself.”

This brought only distance and my own control over this area. It was like saying “Lord, you can have everything else, but I got this.” Which would by no surprise fail miserably, and cause heartbreak for myself and others. So while I tried to preordain the outcome of my relationship I have learned that some women either don’t want to be saved, some don’t think they need to be save, some aren’t ready to be saved and some women really don’t need saving at all (this I believe is the case for my mother). But the biggest takeaway from it all is…

I AM NOT A SAVIOR

In fact, I need the savior Jesus Christ, our Lord God, as much as anyone else. My grandmother once told me, “There is only ONE savior and that is Jesus Christ.” I don’t think there is a penalty for loving others and being concerned for others well being is christlike. I think it is just as important to emphasis also needing the strength and wisdom from God in to know how to care, see, hear, and love others the way He wants us to…

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault , and it will be given to him.” – James 1:5

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” -Mark 12:30-31

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.” – Philippians 4:6-8

So, with the truth of the Word of God, and the reflections of how I might be transparent enough to enlighten a pattern for you I believe that in a journey of undoing and re-learning we should give ourselves and others grace and be willing to let go for what God is letting in.

Prayer: Father God, thank you for interrupting our patterns for control and allowing us the grace and gift of your generous and abundant wisdom. May we find and seek you instead of our own refuge for the things that we are hesitant to release to you. Thank you for being the light and through your brightness we can come as we are to be changed into who you call us to be. Lord God, I pray we see you in every season and inquire you in every relationship, thought, behavior, and in all our ways Lord. For you love us and care for us beyond our own understanding. Thank you for your grace and mercy, we love you and in Jesus Christ, powerful and matchless name, Amen.

Thank you for reading, please engage in leaving a comment, like and share with a loved one. Check out the links below for more in depth discussion on what we covered today.

P.S. I know my mom is reading and I love you mom and I thank you and dad for encouraging me and teaching me so much. ❤

Links to watch/read:

Bible Project – The Character of God word studies

What Is a Savior Complex?